đź’Ľ An Invitation to Corporate America
Welcome to Corporate America — we’re glad you’re here.
Our love languages are short meetings and emails with simple instructions.
We enjoy company appreciation every other Friday via direct deposit — reminding us that we matter.
Nothing is anyone’s fault, only an opportunity to set new goals for your yearly performance review —
unless you get your boss in trouble, then it might be your fault.
We get paid to act like we like each other,
and once you figure that out, we like you even more.
I’ve had ridiculous interviews and meetings —
from talking about video games,
to taunting potential future bosses by asking them for harder questions.
I’ve overshared with supervisors about my non-corporate dreams —
from motivational speaking to being an underwear model.
I’ve worn suits, scrubs, lab coats —
disguises “turtley enough for the Turtle Club.”
I’ve learned some things in my escapades of employment.
Some of it is hilarious.
Some of it is painstaking.
(Sometimes both at once.)
I’ve dodged fake job promotions, flexed on camera to avoid paying for food,
and worn lead vests hoping no one would ask me too much about my irriesponsibliy limited knowledge on medical devices
I was allegedly trained to support… during live heart surgery.
I’ve flown on company-sponsored flights,
slept in company-sponsored hotels,
and driven company-sponsored sports cars.
From mandatory “how to drink with clients” trainings
to panicking in the ocean because I was late for a meeting —
I’ve lived the full simulation.
I’ve had full-volume sibling-style fights with my boss.
I’ve even asked HR how to get fired slowly.
I’m the corporate dream of diversity in the workplace.
And yes,
“haha and I can even sound like it joe.”
Whether you’re here to learn,
here to laugh,
or maybe even here to try it for yourself —
I welcome you to Corporate America and all that comes with it.
Because once you understand the game,
you realize we really do get paid to act like we like each other and you will like us too!
